Going at it alone

When people start to make connections, things start to happen. 

A couple of years ago, I bought one of the best bargains you could get - a calendar of quotes compiled by Lucille Dass, the grand dame of English Language Teaching. It's on my piano and my daughter flips it over everyday to reveal the quote of the day. One of my favourites from Lucille is 'When People Make Connections, Things Start to Happen'.

I believe she had meant it in a wider context than just a mere exercise in network marketing. Something in my subconscious went 'click' when she uttered those words during a speech - and from that moment onwards she became to me, the physical representation of the theme in James Redfield's books. She became an icon of trusting intuition, daring to take risks in trusting people and making intelligent associations from our observations of the world.

I was doing some googling on the background of what initiatives Penang has taken in the last decade since Pulau Pinang magazine ceased to be and since the death of IN-Penang magazine. (Glossy pages, nice) and I came across her again, this time with a bunch of people who are putting together a community project called "Little Penang". Ahh, there I saw some familiar names people have been associating me with which I will not reproduce here because I definitely do not know them personally.

Well, the point I was trying to make was that.....the more I was googling about the 'circles' in Penang, the more I realized I am completely unassociated, first hand, with anyone, and that brought a strange, liberating feeling to me. Am I harbouring some kind of resentment towards everything symbolic of Penang that I impose solitary confinement upon myself? Or is this self-imposed isolation a necessity for me to avoid the clutter that could make me deaf to my own purpose and distract from my self-paced trajectory?

My brother calls me "anti-social" and I admit that I have not done the most basic forms of social networking since I got back to Penang : I don't hang out at posh places on weekends, I don't fraternize mamaks in the P.Tikus and upwards area, I don't do the Tari Cafe thing, I don't go to bazaars, attend concerts and gallery openings nor do the public use of wi-fi thing. Not even the most basic thing as joining the newly renovated Chinese Swimming Club. I don't sign up for Toastmasters or PELTA or MELTA for that matter. I am not a member of any mosque, church (Catholic or Christian), temple (Hindu or Buddhist), meditation centre nor a volunteer at any hospice, hospital, clinic, orphanage, disabled people's centres, etc.

I am an enigma to myself in how I am capable of being all of me and yet being such a well-kept secret.  It got me thinking about how my thoughts have induced actions which isolate or cocoon myself from Penang's circle. Penang is supposed to be a place where everyone knows everyone else. It put a big smile on my face which cracked into a really big chuckle in the middle of driving down the Jelutong Expressway. I felt almost like The Joker, except, I'm not a psychotic killer.

I completely identified with The Joker on the part where he needs to work alone. Of course I don't have some diabolical plan to rob Penang banks or stage another multimillion dollar cargo heist. (Not that I staged the first one.) It's just that I'm experiencing a great sense of freedom in not needing to associate with anyone, anything or any organization for the sake of identity, or in order feel a profound sense of identity about who I am.

There is a great sense of liberation to be able to go to some activity loosely termed as 'work' and not have to watch the clock, and just focus on the task at hand, taking as much time as I need to do what is a meaningful task to me, be it something as uneventful as scooping clumped litter out of the cat's tray or explaining something as profound as how Anita Roddick has proven with her life as a witness, that businesses can be ethical.

There are several visions I have in my mind since returning to Penang and one and a half visions have come to fruition. And I have done it all through the indirect support of people I got to know along the way, not from people I sought out to associate with. I have managed to achieve a great semblance of the sanity I craved as a younger person. But is it at the price of being 'anti-social'? Should I have spent time and energy fostering associations and fraternizing to 'make connections so things can start to  happen?'

My brother can label me names the way he has been since he could speak. And he can go out every night (when he comes back to Penang) and talk on the phone all the time and distract himself speed-sms-ing and flicking channels from a remote. But I think I understand why I have chosen this path for myself. 

- Because I don't need a fraternity, I can be a lot more independent in what I choose to think and say about life. I do not need to owe anyone any favours by being politically correct. I don't need to feel a contradiction between who I am and who people want to see me as. And it gives me a wider berth to say and do things because I am not implicating anyone simply by association. 

It is not only important to me to choose my buddies carefully, but to also choose my affiliations, clubs and associations. Perhaps it is an unreadiness on my part to compromise so I can 'fit-in'. I've been doing fine spinning along with the world on my own-axis. It did not stop me from making connections about life. I have the Big-Guy up there and I'm in His Command and I think that's really enough for me. I really hate the idea of having to conform or be directed by a majority thinking. I really love the freedom of being able to pick and choose what I want to agree or disagree with and discriminate openly based on my preferences, without hurting anyone else because they are associated with me. 

It doesn't mean I haven't made some really fabulous acquaintances. Re-wind 10 years and I would never have thought I would make the acquaintance of such grounded, spiritual, intelligent, eloquent, unpretentious, honest people. People who are not conditioned by the need for societal acceptance because they are quite complete individuals, even if they complain they're not doing enough. These are people who don't cancel on you, respect your time and make proper appointments with you, show up on time, keep it straight and don't feel a need to talk or laugh or comment for the sake of talking, etc

I've found myself collapsing in quite a lot of zen-like moments in the past few months. Actually, it wasn't me who found myself. It was the people I've been talking to that's been saying,"Whoa wait...!! I want to write this down!" or "Whohey! Where did you get that from?" and the most recent (albeit not face to face), "Dude, you make a lot of sense."

I don't know how all this started happening...................I attribute it to the risk I took removing myself from as many attachments and distractions as possible, coming back to Penang, focussing on the little things and "Finding my Centre". It has been (one of) the single most significant periods of my life - to be able to trust myself and know what happiness really is. (Ahh, yes, I had another zen moment this morning about how I realized I am finally a very happy person and I wanted to share the journey to Happiness from an angst-ridden, protracted adolescent to Now.)