Like art.

My entire life, I've hated artists. Especially the visual artist. I have colored them as people who dramatise life for personal effect and personal gain. I find their self-inflicted torture and actions which exarcerbate the circumstances of their self-inflicted torture, to be painfully superficial and vain. 

But a few months ago, in an epiphany where I realized that if we can really slow down and focus on the things around us; the scent, shape, colours, existence........the lucidity of their beauty and design accentuates our senses in ways that makes one feel like, "Life can stop at this slide, and I'll be framed this way, for eternity" - I realize how important the work of artists and poets and musicians are. In a world where everything has become so routine and mechanical, and where an insatiable materialistic drive for status and wealth is sugarcoated as a pursuit of happiness, it is truely the artists and poets and musicians who are the gatekeepers of paradise. 

The world of endless pursuits is an ugly and mechanical one. One lost in our own spin of our illussions and cravings. An ugly race that rips and tears everything in its path and paints them back with sorry patches designed by greed and lust. And it is those poets and artists and musicians that retain the wonder and charm of nature as it is - telling the stories that will remind us of our own humanity. The artists, must live. 

And a few months or weeks after having those thoughts, I enter my first art exhibition. Everything worth experiencing in life comes as a random act. And on the way to buy noodles, I walk into an art gallery - on the one day that I wear all-black, I walk into a studio of colours. And this is a first in my life -  I felt so elated in the presence of this exhibition. I have always imagined myself petrified in the midst of artistic thingy-thingies I cannot understand. (Creative people, in general,  petrify me - and worse if I had to be in the midst of people who seem to possess so much academic and technical knowledge of a subject.) I walked into the gallery on the third day of its launch - it was a quiet late afternoon, I was the only one there. I had the luxury of having the gallery manager all to myself to tell me about the paintings which delight me so much. - The art pieces were talking to me. They were frames of my happy moments in my life, captured and designed. Designed by hands that could never be mine but who interpreted my feelings and expressions through her hands.  Ahh...so this is why people spend a lot of money buying art and collecting them! I get it. I get it now. If you can't do it, pay for it to be done. :)

Rich people aren't stupid after all. They simply reached a point where money gave them the liberty to get out of that web of materialism the rest of the world is still spinning in, to swim to the banks and enjoy the stream flow past, instead of drowning in it. And rich people are thankful for the artists that offer them beauty; the artists that did not conform to the ugly stream of life, who persevered and preserved elements of inspiration, creativity, beauty, wonder and charm - things that are, when everything else is being destroyed and severed, worth paying for. 

In a life where everything is a chore and not an art, where every act is laborious and not a joy - artists preserve that fabric of existence that is truly Living - that which reminds us what life is really about. That life is coloured by the strokes you paint with the acts you do, that life is the voice of the song you sing with the words you speak, that life is the stage you narrate from with the story of your life. 

Have you ever bought something for relatively a lot of money - and wanting to thank the person for giving you the opportunity to spend your money in a way which allows you to acquire a symbolism of the beauty in living? I think I might be on the way to acquiring my first piece of art. 

The thing about people ...

.......People only listen when that composite which makes up 'who they are' is receptive to what the speaker wants to say. I suppose that is why religion can gain widespread devotees/followers. People who are seeking the same questions come to you for the answers THEY want to hear.  You package up for them what they want to hear, and you are hailed as a genius, a messiah.

And if you tell them something a little beyond their level, beyond their current comfort level of 'awareness' they will reject you as radical/crazy/nonsense. If you challenge parts of their programming they are still contented with, they will reject you. 

I understood this clearly today because I was surprised by a sudden openess by a friend to what I had to say about the political goings-on in this country. In what I believe is nothing more than their angst-ridden expression, I have been condemned as being an irresponsible and unthinking citizen by this group. I have not changed my stand - my friend has just become too tired of the same old, same old. So tired that she was ready to listen to an alternative view. 

And I suppose that is where "charm" as a factor becomes a winning and deciding factor for a political candidate. "What is this thing called 'charm' that some people seem to possess?"

I think having 'charm' is simply being able to hone the ability to tell people exactly what they want to hear at the right time. You can also use it to lure people in - in provoking them by a certain degree, enough for them to remember you as merely more than a sideshow, but a presence in itself. 

Well, to cut a long story short - this reminds me of what I told a friend while discussing the need to be able to accept that, despite the fact that we are all equal and exist almost equally in our physical representations, mentally we all exist in extremely different planes. And that is the reason why those who have achieved a high level of spirituality find it necessary most of the time, to preach only to a select audience, if they do decide to preach at all.

It is a difficult task to explain to people concepts and truths if the listener has never even experienced or understood before. People can only accept things that they have themselves mulled over and contemplated before yet not being able to arrive at a sense of proper understanding of the thing. There is a role for spiritual leaders, that of moderate delivery, and best of all, delivery through a way of life which others can observe them from and be inspired by.

Disagreements and arguments occur because the parties involved insist that there is an absolute and definite way of perceiving something. What we have to learn is that we are simply telling someone else, either through our manner or message, something which they have not  yet considered the angle of. If we could all argue without emotions or taking it personally, we can see that argument can be a good way of creating the new platform for contemplation on both sides. 

Our biggest downfall as a human being is to associate so intimately our purpose with our identity, our collective experiences and intellect as our consciousness, our Being, as if they are one. But they are not. Our perceptions, and thus, opinions, are made up as a sum of the collective programming/experiences which educated our emotions thus far, a 'Self'. Since opinions and perceptions are coloured by programming, they cannot be a Truth in itself. We manufactured those opinions; the maker is not the same as the made. The maker, thus, should not be offended that the 'made' is rejected or disagreed with. That would make the maker very silly indeed. 

But that is what we do. We color our opinions and emotions with a sense of our personal identity, our personal Being.

Many years ago, I would not be able to understand that there is a 'Self' and a 'Non-self'. But years of questioning, "What is this thing they call an Ego?" finally led me to a point where I saw that I was separate from the things which colored my life until that point. The things which happened to me, the things I allowed to happen to me - those created my Ego. My identity of me. And that Ego is the one I waste energy defending. That is the thing that gets emotionally wounded and offended. That is the thing that makes it feel like the world revolves around oneself. 

My point is that, things reveal themselves to us only when we have had enough and are more willing to become receptive of something better. Then only better things are allowed through our filtering system. My point is also that it is not wise to get worked up over people who will have differing personal opinions with us. Each of us will arrive at different points in our life, about different things, where we will become receptive of one thing or the next. 

How I'm generally feeling

I  have lost count on how long it has been since I started feeling empowered......or maybe because it was so gradual that I didn't realize it was happening until I reach a certain benchmark in the entire process - the process of reclaiming myself. I can't pinpoint the actual time when things started to take a turn for the better (emotionally) but it was not long after I decided, "No more drama in my life" and "I've got nothing to lose anymore" that I started on this rebirth. 

I'm generally feeling empowered, confident, calm, assured, secure, certain of myself. I have a lot of times when I get to experience like, "I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be". I have a lot of epiphanies and coincidences. I seem to be learning at a pretty high speed that it looks like I'm fickle, when I've actually just discovered another higher, more complete point of view. 

Dreams and ideas which used to sound 'insane' in a negative way brings a new zing to the word 'insane ideas'. "Insanity" is now a good thing, a form of explosive creativity and enthusiasm that will not yield to fear and will not submit to defeat. 

It sounds almost crazy to not even bother thinking about failure and judgment from others anymore. But it feels like the sanest thing to do - to do something for the sake of doing it and believing in the cause of doing it and nothing else. Material gain and etc is an extension of that doing and the bonus of being able to carry out more things with the gains I've made. The gains are like points to score in a game - they do not bear significance to the actions or intentions by themselves nor the person that I am. They are merely a physical marker of ethereal and spiritual success. 

I wonder how many people ever get to experience this : to be enthusiastic about an opportunity to turn daydreams into its physical form and to not be held back at all by any sort of fear; fear of loss of money, loss of goodwill, loss of friendships, loss of 'face', loss of identity. Fearless......I've been described as that in different aspects of my life and I've not really thought about it. Have others managed to see me in ways I've never noticed about myself?

There are not even 'what-ifs' to worry about anymore. Just take it one day at a time, prepare for the best and just enjoy the experience towards it. 

There's a feeling in the pit of my stomach that this time, it's really going to work. And the degree of how fast it comes true correlates only to how awaken and efficient I have become in focussing and getting the results I want. How wonderful it is to have this feeling - the feeling that whatever my mind can conceive and believe, i will achieve. 

I thank God for this emancipation. I cannot wait to make this world a better place by the work I do, by the people I enrich and empower, emotionally, intellectually and financially. I cannot wait to have enough money to make money so I can focus on not-for-profit ventures too. 

The Haves and the Have-nots - privilege does not often come with wisdom and insight

Malaysians live under a false sense of security unlike our neighbors, Thailand, Myanmar, Singapore, Indonesia and Philippines. We honestly don't think anything bad is going to happen to us - so bad that we could not go ahead with our daily lives. 

I obviously sound like an alarmist when I say, "That shiny car? Won't be of much use if you can't get any petrol. And you can't get any petrol if petrol pumps can' be filled because the petrol tank couldn't get there safely. It was blown up in the midst of all the civil unrest going on. Or maybe the entire oil refinery had to stop production, because people couldn't get to work, or the whole refinery has been blown up."

Or, "that dream home? Wouldn't be much of a dream home if the streets outside are licked with flames and strewn with broken pieces of things, and you can't get any food, running water, electricity, etc." "That nice showroom? That big mall? Would amount to nothing if a mob broke into it and cleared out all the supplies............and shelves are going to stay empty because no transport trucks can load or move goods....no factories producing them......." - All that we know right now, simply will not function. 

This is war. This is what happens when people who cannot afford to eat or find a fulfilling and meaningful way to earn a living, revolt. Whatever you have which you did not give to others, you are now under threat. Wealth and affluence without security is not prosperity and happiness. 

I've heard rich Indonesians and rich Filipinos simplify things that "those people are just lazy." They truly put the entire blame of poverty on the poor. They do not see a civic responsibility to use their advantage in life to ensure that economic policies and daily attitudes towards life provide a level playing field to all. 

In the midst of the escalating increase in the price of rice, I broke down in the middle of having dinner with my daughter. I was asking her what she wanted to eat, and have made it a practise that she never thinks about price when ordering, to just order whatever we desire. I then  realized that it has not always been this way for me. It dawned on me then that to those who bought rice per kg, like how I had to live many years ago, to have it increase from $1.70 to over $5 per kg means $3.70 less to get on by. $3.70 is another pack of large fries for some, but to others, it's whether or not they get a 1 kati of veg, 1 kg of potatoes and onions, 1 dhal dish that night or 5 omelettes for the family. It's one entire botol of kicap tamin to go with the rice. 

People who were born into relative privilege and education cannot understand what it means to have lived in a way where they are incapable of being informed of the things the privileged take for granted. Those who grew up in middle-class families with sports clubs to go to and private lessons this and that, whose parents leave them enough money to make more money, or who gave them a lifestyle and education which equipped them with a mental blueprint to get ahead, cannot empathise with those without and instead,look down on them. They lull themselve into believing, "If I can do it, why not them?"

But what the privileged fail to see is that it was their upbringing and their association which provided them with the way of thinking they have now. They apply their way of thinking to the lives of people who have a completely different programming and then judge them by that. The privileged are the ones that can tell a tyrannical boss, "Fuck you, I'm quitting this shit job!" while the poor have been programmed from the very beginning to submit to abuse and bad treatment by those they perceived as more powerful or superior.  

The educated woman can say, "This isn't the way you're supposed to treat another human being"and leave the abusive relationship. Or, "This isn't the best environment to raise a child" and walks out the door while knowing how to build a wall of security around her that the abuser cannot penetrate. Also, the educated woman can decide whether motherhood is something she is ready for and will embrace. These are not the same options for the uneducated or disempowered woman. 

It goes to show we cannot judge other people from their actions even if knowing what they've done or did not do upsets us so much. Actions are a consequence of Thoughts - and skillful or unskillful thought is a collective of the influences we've had growing up and the amount of examining and sensitivity our mind is capable of based on the learning we've received. 

To unprogramme people, we have to enlighten them. We have to put into words and in details they can visualise - the story of their life and their beliefs and how they came to be. Then only can we teach them the story of other people's lives and to make them see the only true difference between them and others is the inherited ignorance, pessimism and fear which breeds their fear and stumps their creativity and straitjackets them into their poverty-stricken, soul-crushing 'reality'. 

It is an almost impossible task- I still find myself trapped in my past programming and habits and each breakthrough is painful and difficult. If it was all just about me, I'd quit trying to change my trajectory a long time ago and I do know that we have to delve into each individual to see what makes them tick - so that they can discover a bigger reason than themselves to want to change. A reason that they feel so much love towards that will make everything a purpose. 

Mediating point - The relationship between money and friends

It's always been accepted as a fact that you're either religious or scientific, idealist or materialistic. I have been experiencing great conflict since I started changing from someone who saw money as a burden and a cop-out from living a 'true' life to someone who embraces money in a new definition - one where I'm applying all that I have been given to generate value that I can exchange for money - which I can then go ahead and give it all away.

There seems to only be two groups of people. The first, a group that is motivated purely by the fear of lack of money and how it defines them and their value, a group that builds their wall of security with symbolisms of things money can buy. The second, a group that denies the legitimacy of everything that the first group defines their life as. In between, you have one which is either more to the first or the second, but not that much different to be able to be a distinct third group  by themselves. 

For most of my life, I have been more comfortable with the second group because the first group seem pre-occupied with very narrow and shallow definitions of Life and the Purpose of Existence. To have people who accept you as a friend because you have no money is almost as bad as to have people accept you as a friend because you have money. Where do I find people who accept me IN SPITE of not having money and people who will IN SPITE of me having money?

I guess that's why people who have money have moneyed friends and people who don't are surrounded by people who are constantly running into debt and borrowing money. There are the temporary situations where the moneyed attract poorer company for lack of some company - and there's almost always an eventual fall-out. People fall-out of friendships and relationships over money more than over anything else, don't you think?

It's really strange how people put so much weight in defining life based on a political opinion of money. If you're poor, you'll lose friends when you start to make money, because your friends either hate you for having it or hate you for not lending it to them. If you're rich, you'll lose friends when you lose money, because your friends either hate you for not being able to enjoy the benefits you've been paying them in exchange for their company or because you're borrowing money from them. 

Each time I change, I suffer casualties in terms of friendships. What hurts is that I was perfectly sincere in offering my friendship and accepting theirs, only to find out that I served as some kind of marker to validate their beliefs or self-esteem either way. I want to change for the better and then people start disliking me for it. And I feel so conflicted.

Should I hold back and not share with people I consider 'a friend'? How did I insult them without even saying anything personal to them? How did I insult them simply by asking a hypothetical or philosophical question?

Would it mean that as I start becoming ambitious - I would lose almost everything in my comfort zone? How silly of me. I already know the answer. The day when I made the decision that I no longer wanted to own a Fear of Success and its twin, a Fear of Failure, was the day I knew I had to breakthrough to go up. 

I think we can only be responsible for our own life and decisions - and generosity entails being sincere and honest in sharing and giving, even if someone hates you for the information. How many lives have been arrested from their speediest development because others held back wisdom, knowledge and information? What people do with what we share with them, and what they do to us is a reflection of them. Our generosity and sincerity is a reflection of ourselves. 

There are few who want to change the world - and even fewer who want to change themselves.

I think you've noticed by now that 2008 - or what shall be later known as the 'post T.Harv Ecker era' of my life - is filled with themes about money and enterprise. Eventhough it took over a year for what T.Harv said in his book to sink in, once it did.....it sank like the Titanic. 

Change - the only thing that is inevitable and constant - and the only thing humans are least appreciative of. "Few people want to change the world, even fewer people want to change themselves."(Krishnamurthi, Education). In another book which has sparked a mental revolution in me, "Money and Mindfullness", a successful businessperson who quit his high-ranking job for something more 'meaningful' volunteered in an organization that sends volunteers to Africa to help with humanitarian work. But he soon found out that a lot of useful time and energy is wasted solving problems among volunteers rather than actually getting things done. He found that when he asked people why they'd come to work for the NGO, they said they wanted to change the world. He also found that these same people were the least willing to first change themselves and asked the question whether we start by changing society first, or we start by changing ourselves. 

"What is society?" - Krishnamurthi's idea of what society vocalised my own thoughts. Even if some ignorant people think he's a madman, it comforts me that I'm not the only madperson I've ever known. Society is made up of a collective - behaviour, beliefs, traditions and customs also known as 'culture'. And since Thought is at the seed of all of those collectives, and Thought is always in a state of Flux, Culture is not and cannot be a permanent fixture of Humanity. Who makes up society and all its collective? You and me. When individuals change, society starts to change. Even if you weave one strand of yellow in an all-white fabric, it is no longer a totally white piece of fabric now, is it?

I think it' pretty obvious that the problem is everyone else is waiting for everyone else to change. That happens with anything from buying the first handphones to deciding on the latest fashion trend. Since we know this undeniable trait of humans, it would seem really simple  to just go ahead and change ourselves and what we want to change about 'reality' instead of waiting a lifetime for 'change'. We can either play catch-up with society or we can just go ahead and do it while society plays catch-up with us. 

We live in a divisive, separated, polarised world which breeds prejudice, antagonism and fear. Polarised - you're either rich or poor, smart or dumb, pass or fail, single or married. Idealist or capitalist. Eventhough I have no real recollection of living at other times, I still think our times are interesting times. As we become more divided as a whole, old barriers are also breaking down and melting away and bringing us together. Change is a constant and as it uproots the old, it drops new seeds in place.